Does my child even listen?

Sometimes, I ask myself if my son has a hearing problem. I swear, with the amount of time I spend repeating myself makes me want to bang my head against a wall. We say these things every day, “Don’t put your shoes there” “Take your backpack upstairs” “Don’t lay on the dogs” (doesn’t our house sound fun). Unfortunately, it is completely normal for children to “not listen”. 

We need to remind ourselves that children do not have the same mental capacity that adults do.

Because of this, children are more likely to be focusing on other actions. More commonly, they forget what we have said in big or small gaps of time. This is an action issue and not a listening issue. Those are two completely different things. As a parent, it is our responsibility to help them through this stage of their life so that they can focus more clearly, remember things better, and (most importantly) listen better. When they begin to listen better then they will perform better.

So what helps children listen better?

1. Make sure you have their focus

Firstly, yelling at them from downstairs or giving a list of things to do while they are working on other things is not going to get you anywhere. Get their full attention. This means turning off the TV, having them pause from playing with their toys, quit walking, and stop whatever you both are doing. 

This means you need to stop what you are doing as well. Remember, children mirror us. If we don’t give them the same focus and attention that we are asking for, they will not give us the same attention in return.

2. Get down at eye level

If you read any of blogs about parenting, you know I am a huge believer in getting down to eye level. You need to make sure you have eye contact as best as possible, and that means being equal. Don’t expect 100% perfection on this or you will just make yourself more frustrated. Getting at eye level makes sure that they do not feel intimidated or commanded. 

Your request is more likely to be heard while your child is in a safe mental state. As parents, we don’t realize the subconscious effect that some actions, like standing over your child (it’s natural, we are bigger) can have on your child.

3. Talk to them with a calm tone.

This sounds obvious. However many moms (including myself) become annoyed very easily. Interrupting questions, losing eye contact, etc. It all starts to get under my skin. But if I lose my calm voice and become angry or annoyed, they will instead begin listening to the angry voice. This means they aren’t going to remember anything you said while you were actually calm. Making half the conversation completely void. 

4. Keep it short

Do not go into a laundry list of to-do’s. Keep it short and sweet. “Dominic, I need you to please pick up your room so there is nothing on the floor.” End of request. Don’t list everything on the floor or give them more things to do after he picks up the floor.

As tedious as it is, you need to say the next items later when you have their full attention again. By keeping things simple, your child is more likely to remember what was said and what the main goal of the conversation was. 

5. Verify understanding

After your request or statement you need to ask them if they understood and repeat back what you said. This makes the request more solid in their mind and less likely to forget. If what was asked didn’t get done, you also have something to come back to for discipline. “Dominic, you told me that you understood what we talked about.” In return, this puts more responsibility on your child (which they are completely capable of) and holds them accountable for their actions.

6. Ask if they need help

This can be asking if they need help explaining things more clearly or even if they need help with the actual task or item. We may think some items are super simple, but your child may not understand the thought process or how to begin. We have years of experience, children are learning.  

7. Hold them accountable

This means double checking whatever you asked. It may seem tiring (like us moms need another thing to do), but it is 100% necessary. The moment your child thinks you aren’t going to hold them accountable, they will slack off to see what they can get away with. It’s all part of their learning process. 

8. Give your child the same focus

Monkey see monkey do, right? Children learn more quickly by seeing what others do. If you are yelling up the stairs, then your child is going to start yelling down the stairs. If you are cooking or working on your computer while your child talks to you, they will think it’s ok to play and do other things while you talk to them. Work on your listening skills and show them the same attention you want to receive.

Will they actually do what I asked now?

Now that is an entirely separate blog post that I am currently working on! Remember, listening and choosing to follow through with what you said is an entirely different attribute. But it all begins with making sure they listen, and not just hear you (or worse ignore you). They will never do what you ask if they don’t listen.

I hope this helps you focus on improving your child’s listening skills! Do not be surprise if you get pushback. You are changing their routine of how you used to talk to them. Should this lead to a temper tantrum or fit, make sure you check out my post “5 Things to Remember During a Temper Tantrum”. This post will help you make sure the fit doesn’t escalate and get out of control. What are some other things you do to make sure your child is actually listening?

No matter what age, bedtime can be a battle, a drag, and plain exhausting. Let alone creating a bedtime routine. When your little one is an infant, they don’t even know what bedtime is. And as they grow, they just get more unwilling to want to go to bed. They somehow become more demanding about what they want before bed. 

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Want to know the real secret?

Let me start by saying, the biggest secret is it’s less about what time you start your bedtime routine and more about what you include in your bedtime routine. You can always change the bedtime to include more time. You can always shorten it. What’s most important is how they feel when they go to bed. Children need to feel loved, satisfied, and complete when going to bed. 

Below you will find the 5 tips to an easier bedtime routine. But it’s important to realize that it also does not matter what order this is done in. Every child is different and what is most important to them may differ. Not only that, it may change as they grow. So take this as a guide and don’t be afraid to try new things. Here we go!

The must have’s to include in your bedtime routine.

1. Taste 

Do you have the little one who has to have a bottle in bed and you’re trying to break the habit? Do you have the little one who always seems to get hungry right before bed? Think about it… how bad are the adult cravings we have that we can’t control (ice cream anyone)? The difference is we are adults that are capable of getting our own drinks, buying our own junk food, etc. Your young one has the same needs, but cannot always express it!

Make sure if they are hungry or thirsty before bed that they get a small snack or a sip of water. Keep that sippy cup out of the bed and tell them they can have a small cup on a table nearby. Once it’s empty, it’s gone. Remember, if you are potty training, it is so important to include a trip to the bathroom as close to bedtime as possible. This will help that they don’t wet the bed in the middle of the night while still having their needs met.

2. Smell

To me, this was the least important. However, some children are extremely sensitive to smells. Lavender may have a huge benefit in relaxing your little one before bed. Put a couple of drops in a diffuser like this one. We purchased this one because it is inexpensive, small, has an auto-shutoff, and it also gives them a little night light (we will get to that next). Lavender actually gives me a headache (contradictory I know), so I put eucalyptus oil in it to help cleanse the air and help with any nose problems. 

3. Sight

What child doesn’t go through a phase of being afraid of the dark, am I right? If your child has that fear, it could be impossible to fall asleep. It’s another reason we bought the diffuser above. My son always got excited to pick what color he wanted that night. It was bright enough to light up the room, but not so much that he stayed awake playing.

Your child may be the total opposite and prefer the dark. Any amount of light could wake them. You might want to invest in some blackout curtains like these. We also have these exact ones in my son’s room. We like the metal-lined holes the rod goes through, but I could see how that could be a turn off for some of you. This will help make sure that during those summer months that they don’t stay up too late or wake up too early because of the longer days. 

4. Sound

Does your child wake up to every pin dropping? Or can they sleep through a hurricane? Do they have to have music? Our son used to sleep through anything as long as he went to bed with music. Once he was out, the music could be turned off and he would still sleep solid. This may be a lesser-known item because as parents, we do everything we can to not wake up our little ones; especially as infants. It might be hard but experimenting is key.

I recommend manually going in to turn off your music/sound devices for a bit. This will allow you to know what happens when the sound goes off. A device with auto shut off is nice later once you know how your child reacts. From the moment my son was an infant, I tried not to tiptoe around. I didn’t (by any means) make extra noise. But I would do the dishes, watch tv at a normal level, and do everything normally with a little extra grace (yeah right). This helps your child as they grow to not be as sensitive to sounds. 

5. Touch

One of the most important for many children. My son’s love language is definitely physical touch. During stories, we make sure to snuggle while reading. He always gets tucked in, a little hug, and a big kiss goodnight. He still gets this to this day and he is seven. Physical touch is a big sign of expressing love at these younger ages because it is tangible. Children don’t understand that you taking them to school or working to pay the bills is because you love them and want to take care of them.

Tangible is easy to understand. Always being there at the end of the day to tell them you love them is huge. Trust me, I know this is not always possible. Try to do this during the moments you are able to see your child. Physical touch can also be blankets and stuffed animals. It can be if the room is too hot or too cold. It can be where they are actually falling asleep. This is a creative sense, so don’t be afraid to think outside the box on this one! 

It’s about creating a bedtime routine that works for your family.

So there you have it! I truly hope this helps. Not only did this help me get my son to bed easier, but I also learned more about my child by being aware of all these areas. When a child’s needs are met, they are more likely to relax and fall asleep easier, thus creating the perfect bedtime routine for your family. An extra hint is if you do these in a particular order to create a routine, your child will be used to their routine and begin to get drowsy during their routine.

Not to brag, but my son had a perfect morning. My work had a resident event that I had to show up early to work for. So instead of coming home after dropping my son off at school, I had to get ready before taking my son to school and head straight to work. He listened to my grandma, he did everything on the first ask, no complaints, no whining, right to school!

Now…fast forward. I pick up my son from the after school program and he is already dragging his feet heading to the car. I ask him about his lunch, I get sadness and uncertainty in his tone. We get in the car and he is demanding what he wants for dinner. We drive home and he is rubbing his eyes and sighs that he is tired. I was like, oh man, tonight would be a good night to snuggle and watch tv (if he wasn’t on a week hiatus from tv after some weekend attitude).

I have one rule about dinner: You eat what the family eats. I instilled early that I do NOT make him any special meals. He may get sides that are slightly different after he has done what his preschool dubbed a “No thank you” bite. If he honestly tries something, like asparagus, and I can genuinely tell he doesn’t like it, then he will get a different side. We try to have a least one side that we all like so that he still is eating what the family is eating. Tonight, we had spaghetti squash. We bake it, then scoop it out and mix it with pasta sauce. So much healthier and a lower carb option to regular spaghetti, plus you really can’t tell a difference in taste. Especially if you make it with meat sauce.

Shocking as it may seem, HE THREW A FIT! It was too “crunchy”, tasted yucky, and he suddenly forgot how to swallow! Not only that, but he also got mouthy, he got an attitude, and he got mean! Needless to say after this weekend and us already taking TV and tablets away, I was done. I then got mean, I got screaming, I gave spankings on his tush (over clothes and something I rarely do) my husband (who was sleeping to get ready for his night shift) woke up, and began taking the toys out of his room. I was ready to take away the trip to the pumpkin patch for school. After being sent him to his room, he got even worse and more of a little….brat, to say delicately.

We finally got him calmed down, and we made what I like to call a spaghetti sandwich. We get a piece of bread and put spaghetti inside. Ta-Da! He ate most of it and we got him off to bed with one small story. He was like a different child by bedtime. Needless to say, after all those tears and emotions, he was ready to pass out.

It was at that time I instantly began re-running the whole thing through my head, as I always do. After much thought and practice, I have learned there are really five things you should keep in mind when you feel a major meltdown coming. Now before I list these, saving these tips is nice, but putting them into action is even better. If you have to post this on your fridge, put it on the wall, save it on your phone, memorize it, something! Make sure you remember this before, not after, you feel a major tantrum or explosion on your end. This way…you avoid it altogether.

Ok, here we go!

1. Take “Alone Time”

Whether you turn around and take a deep breath or have a five-minute break to gather your thoughts in a separate room (aka a time out), you need some space. There has to be a pause before what would normally be the beginning of your explosion. If you don’t, your anger will continue to build up and will reach an unhealthy place. This will also help keep you from making any rash decisions or disciplines that you can’t follow through with (see #3).

1. The more words you use, the less that your child will remember.

Parents, especially moms, try to use a lot of words to explain what is going on. Asking questions, telling children what they did, explaining feelings. So many words get exchanged and soon your child is forgetting what even they were mad about. This leaves you using even more words reminding them why this started. Your child already knows why they are upset, whether or not they tell you. At that moment, it’s your job to let them know what they did was wrong in a limited time frame. Don’t draw it out. You can even take a page from Daniel Tiger and make a short, simple, sweet song. Or if you just aren’t bleeding nursery rhymes like Mother Goose, use a simple phrase like my dinner time rule.

1. Stay on topic.

This sort of follows the above rule, but the more you get upset with what they are doing, the more you feel inclined to tell them about everything that is wrong with them or what they have done…ever. Make sure that your discussion with what is going on is about what actually happened at that moment. Not any previous items. If it’s about dinner, stick with dinner, not what happened at school. Again, the fewer words, the better. Your child is more likely to understand if it is about one topic.

1. Follow through.

If what they did requires disciplinary action, then make sure you completely fulfill that discipline. If they lose tv for the week, then no exceptions. If you don’t follow through, you are bound to be undermined. Maybe not now, but as they continue to grow you will be tested. If you cave because they have been so great, then they will learn that good behavior gets them out of any punishment. Their behavior is not a negotiation. they should be behaving because they are supposed to, not to get dessert, or toys, or any other material or favorable items. This is something we are constantly working on in my house. Don’t feel bad.

1. ALWAYS say you love them at the end.

These tantrums and arguments can be hard. Some things are said, especially on our end, that we really don’t mean or came out much harsher than it should have. While you cannot change what was said, you can always make sure they are feeling loved at the end. Whatever helps your child realize that you care too much for them to act the way they are is what you will want to do at this point. Whether it’s a hug and kiss, playing together, or snuggling on the couch. Make sure they know everything was out of love. Be careful, this is the part where most parents begin to back away from a discipline or make it not as harsh. Make sure your discipline is appropriate before you tell them so you are not tempted to make it less severe during this time.

Tantrums are temporary, but your love for children will never end. Remember this too will pass, and hopefully, your little one will forget in 10 minutes anyways. How do you handle a complete meltdown from your little one(s)?